Humdrum

Nothing terribly exciting or new going on...just the usual twists, turns, weighing that occurs when my brain gets jammed up trying to over analyze well...anything. Though, I admit, it's worse when it brings life altering changes with it.
So over the past few months as I'm in the process of finding myself...I did succeed...everybody happy dance!... Right, back to the point. During that time I've continued to look, analyze, and dissect the relationship I've been in for the past oh, a little over four years. It flat out sucks...more face planting across the baseball field and eating grass in front of quite a few strangers too I might add. That, at least, was amusing. So, I'm looking back wondering, ''Seriously, what the *insert expletive here* was I thinking?!'' See, rather than do the usual, I took someone at their word-which in most cases is completely worthless. I thought maybe through their own struggles, they could see all the great things about me and appreciate them. Life was beautiful and grand for the first two months. Maybe two and a half. Right about the time I found out I was going to have a little one it all started going down hill.
The past four years, I've managed to allow myself to stay in a loveless relationship. One filled with lies, deceit, games, manipulation, and this could get lengthy. You get the idea. Finally, I began coming to my senses. It's taken prodding from that inner voice, my friends, David Cunningham (I recommend his website: makingherhappy.com), and then I ran across the wonderful Ms. Hunter Jones; I also highly recommend her blogs. You can find them at chasinghunterjones.com. She is, in my opinion, a very talented writer and highly entertaining. Blunt and and amazingly incredible woman that she is, she also helped me remember where I used to stand as an intelligent, strong, ambitious, independent person, as well as helping me recall where i stood on these dating and relationship issues and why I stood there. I can't count the times I wish I had seen her writings before I did, but at least they came at a time when I truly needed them.
Between all of these people, through words of encouragement, logic, or inspiration I realized I really needed to get out. It was draining all of my happiness in life. I'm not placing blame. I allowed it to occur, but there comes a time when you have to break ties and rectify mistakes. I began closing my heart off entirely while weighing options in my mind as to the next steps I needed to take. This past week, I was so tired of trying to stick it out until things were entirely pulled together, I let my wishes to leave be known, and made arrangements to stay with my mom.
Unfortunately, at the last minute, my brother, who's property my mom resides on, let me know he was selling, and I was welcome, but would have to have a new place in less than thirty days. On top of that, though no longer in love with the the emotional parasite I'm with, I still felt somewhat bad for him. Did he deserve that sympathy? Probably not. It's just this tendency I have of looking at things through other people's eyes. So to ensure a stable place to for the two tiny terrors just a bit longer and keep from triggering heart failure in my 21 year old brother... I made the agreement that we could work on things, but not to really expect anything from me for awhile...if ever. That wall I mentioned causes enough numbness for me to never feel anything love related for a person again, once they've hurt me to a certain extent. I can still be somewhat compassionate toward what they may be feeling, but that's about the extent of it.
So, now, the fun part! Where all my brain meanderings are materializing from. I get back to the house that night, and the first twenty minutes are basically spent telling me how many different ways he wanted to hurt and kill me at first. "Niiice. Maybe, I should just go. Not really okay with being threatened (even though nine times out of ten he's all talk). So, as the past four days have passed along with more common dry heaving spells... I've also been told he never loved me until after our second son was born. ''He wanted me to leave, he thought about leaving, he'd just hurt me enough and didn't want to cause me any more pain'' *raises eyebrow*, but alas, ''he's finally, Finally (after 4 years) realized how very much he loves me''. ''He'll change, he'll be mushy, he'll help, he'll be everything I've wanted this whole time''...It's showing hence the dry heaving fits. Yet, as it shows, he's requiring and demanding me to show him the same ''love''.
I've already informed him it isn't possible, especially right off the bat. I mean seriously, who in their right mind thinks you can hurt someone, use someone, throw everything they've tried to give you for those years, and them just say, ''Alright! Finally! Oh my god! I love you so much!'' The word in my head, it kinda starts with an ''F'' and is swiftly followed by ''Yourself''. Not only is he expecting this massive amount of giving after he's already broken my giver, but now there are stipulations as to what websites I can go on, who I can talk to, and so on. The response to all that is simply...''Yeah, I really don't deal well with being told what I can and can't do.'' then I proceed to carry on as is. I'm trying to play nice, but everyday that I'm here, every time I hear or see ''you have to give as much as I do,'' I want to run screaming out the door.
Personally, I think it's all a bullshit game. Maybe he is serious, if so it's rather screwed up it took so long. Regardless, I already know I don't care enough to stay around too long and find out. The time for showing me what I expected and needed to see has passed, and I unfortunately, even though being quite blunt about it, can't get him to understand that. So, if you've made it this far, I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on the matter. Do you concur that it's nonsense? It doesn't matter at this point, really, but I tend to have a habit of dissecting people's words, actions, who they are... It's purely curiosity driven.

Morning Musings

As the days pass, I notice more and more often that rarely in life to things work out as you hope, do things turn out as they seem they will in the beginning, that more often than not there are more disappointments than triumphs. Yet, I also realize that within these struggles, let downs, and such; there are lessons waiting there to be learned. It has been that last simple truth that has kept me fighting my way through with hope rather than defeat. At least we don't walk away empty handed. We gain something, if only knowledge. Life, though hard most times, is beautiful and inspirational though admittedly challenging ; all the twists, turns, the uncertainty so often come to something we never expected, something to lighten our heart and bless us with understanding after a long struggle.

Over the past couple of months I've realized I've lost myself, again. I've become reclusive and withdrawn with that realization. I've allowed far too many outside sources to drain me of my optimism, my hope in others, my faith in the goodness of people, my trust, and belief in the best. In my reclusiveness, I've been traveling over what has brought me to the point where I stand now, wondering where I go from here to get back to the ridiculously happy, confident, bouncy person I was three years ago all without crushing my ideals and morals. Were I the only one involved, I know without a doubt what the answer would be, but when there is an internal struggle between ideals, morals, and knowing the uncertain outcome will effect those dearest to your heart to whom you want to cause no pain, what do you do then?

I intend to keep seeking the answer to the last question as I try to find my way back to myself. It will more than likely include time to myself that I find so rarely these days, but I know in the end I will find it or it will find me.

Past the struggles, the pain, the uncertainty, above all doubt, keep faith, hope, and a bright outlook on life. Though it isn't always easy it certainly helps.